


One has to protect

by milksalt



Series: The Majestic Oikawa x Trashcan Chronicles [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack, Cute, Fluff, M/M, Other, everyone is a dork except matsuhana, oikawa is pure, oikawa is trash (in the best way), this fic is real and you better believe it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-08-27 17:22:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8410171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milksalt/pseuds/milksalt
Summary: "I'm not garbage, Iwa-chan," Oikawa protests."Trash, then," says Iwaizumi."Recyclable?""Who would recycle you?"----Oikawa falls in love with Iwaizumi's trashcan. There are Gundam jokes. Oikawa and the trashcan get married. Really.





	

**Author's Note:**

> My sincerest apologies for the Gundam, b- but, Oikawa started it. [/holds S1E15] Precious Gundam memer right there.

If there's anything Oikawa Tōru is incredible at, it's perception.

To Iwaizumi, it's like he's always peeling back the layers of the universe -- of objects, of people, brushing off the veils of spoken words to reach out and _seize_ a person by their existence regardless of whatever masks they use to hide. Iwaizumi would never describe him as graceful, but his best friend has an elegance to him that complements his abilities.

So of course, it's extremely out of character when Oikawa mistakes Iwaizumi's trashcan as a stool.

"Ouch!"

Crash. Clatter. Oikawa falls. Paper and plastic and snack wrappers and old receipts spill out in waves, bumping excitedly against each other in a rush to flee their cage. Tissues, junk mail, old assignments not worth keeping. Everything -- including the remains of whatever Iwaizumi'd once been eating.

And now there is garbage all over Iwaizumi's floor.

Iwaizumi mentions this.

"I'm not _garbage_ , Iwa-chan," Oikawa protests.

"Trash, then," says Iwaizumi.

"Recyclable?"

"Who would recycle _you_?"

Oikawa makes that stupid tongue-and-winking victory sign pose. "You can't say no to this face of mine, right?"

Iwaizumi's room can't get any worse, so he draws back and kicks the trashcan. Oikawa spiders backwards with remarkable skill.

"Cruel! Cruel! Iwa-chan is so cruel!"

"I aimed at your face," says Iwaizumi. "Where are you clutching?!"

"Well, one has to protect --"

Iwaizumi throws a textbook at Oikawa's head. He notices that it's Oikawa's textbook after it leaves his hand. Good. "Shut up and clean my room."

 _You're seventeen_ , he thinks instead of saying. _Stop pretending to wail._

Unfortunately, Oikawa must be doing that thing where he reads peoples' minds, because he starts waving dismissively. _You can never get too old._ Fortunately, the non-verbal exchange is all Oikawa seems interested in doing, because he doesn't protest or extend his shenanigans past their expiry. He actually leans forward and starts collecting the junk together.

Iwaizumi rubs his head.

"You're so violent and bossy, you know," Oikawa informs. "This is why you can't get a girlfriend."

"Don't screw around," Iwaizumi mutters. There's a pile of unidentifiable objects next to his foot. He reaches down and flips through them. "How did you even think that would hold your weight?"

Oikawa looks up from beside the trashcan and blinks innocently. "Who said I --"

The lead-in combined with the look on his face says: _I'm about to wring you through joke hell._

Iwaizumi cuts him off by throwing a box in Oikawa's direction.

 

 

 

 

It's not until two study sessions later that Iwaizumi realises that _Oikawa keeps going for the trashcan_ and it _can't possibly be a coincidence_ because he's dealing with a special bundle of shit known as _Oikawa Tōru_ \--

In response to Iwaizumi's spluttering, Oikawa turns the trashcan upside-down and shakes out the remains. He holds it out to Iwaizumi and smiles so angelically that Iwaizumi literally hears a choir.

Even if the choir is his neighbour's off-key singing.

"Here, it's okay," Oikawa offers. "You can date her. She's cute enough for you."

Iwaizumi almost kicks him out the window.

 

 

 

 

The next time there's a study session at Iwaizumi's house, Oikawa goes right for it.

"It's like you have something in there you don't want me to find," he says, when Iwaizumi has one foot on Oikawa's face and Iwaizumi's arms are keeping the trashcan as far away as physically possible.

Iwaizumi doesn't kick him out the window, but he sure kicks him off the pillow.

 

 

 

 

"Gods," hisses Iwaizumi, when Oikawa shows his stupid grinning mug at the crossroads on their way to school, for no other reason than _Oikawa has that stupid grinning mug at the crossroads on their way to school_.

Oikawa opens his mouth.

"No," says Iwaizumi. "We're _not_ having another study session again."

"But, Iwa-chan --!"

"No! Stop acting like this -- why can't you go back to that flirting and chocolate tasting crap instead of this crazy ..."

He trails off when he notices that Oikawa has stopped walking with him.

"Crazy what?" says Oikawa, seriously.

Iwaizumi's words fall away when faced with his best friend's most unreadable and cloudy gaze.

"... crazy stuff," Iwaizumi finishes, lamely.

Unfortunately for Iwaizumi, it's so lamely that Oikawa decides to dismiss it. He re-shoulders his bag and lazily waves a hand as he walks past.

"Love makes you silly, Iwa-chan," says Oikawa. "Not that I've-Never-Dated-In-My-Life Iwa-chan would know."

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately for Iwaizumi, his mother keeps asking when Oikawa is going to drop by. It gets to the point where she's suggesting they had a fight (as if anyone could get in a fight with Oikawa and live to tell the tale) and then to the point where Iwaizumi's father jokes that his mother is missing Oikawa more than her own son.

Iwaizumi stares down at his trashcan -- now, migrated to the side of the wall where he keeps his entire collection of _Mobile Suit Gundam_ DVDs.

It has to be a joke.

" _I am Gundam,_ " XXXXXXX protagonist said, in that one Gundam spin-off that Oikawa likes a lot for some reason.

Iwaizumi stares down at the trashcan.

Ha ... ha, ha, ha. Transformers aren't real.

Gundam aren't real.

There's no way Oikawa can be a trashcan.

... Right?

...

Slowly, Iwaizumi takes a seat and rests his forehead against his fists. He stares at the ground in horrified despair, and a battalion of _saku-saku_ sounds swarm into his ears before invading his brain.

Iwaizumi puts on a red scarf.

"Anti-Newtype system activate. Destroy Mode."

He grabs the trashcan.

 

 

 

 

"Study session," says Iwaizumi, as soon as he walks into the club room. He points at Oikawa. "Tonight. You're coming. Usual place. Don't be late."

Oikawa's in the middle of some elaborate spiel to Matsukawa, if the tilted head and raised arms are any indication.

He blinks.

Very slowly, his eyes widen and his face starts to fill with colour.

"I- Iwa-chan ~!" Oikawa gasps. _"Iwa-chaaaaaaaaan ...!"_

He's half-changed, school shirt falling over jersey pants, but thankfully his zippers are zipped and his buttons are buttoned. The next moment, for whatever reason, he grabs his bag and runs out the door, completely ignoring the clothes left in his locker.

"What," says Iwaizumi.

Matsukawa pats Iwaizumi's shoulder sympathetically. "Guy has to make preparations for an overnight stay, you know."

" _Huh?_ "

 

 

 

 

"Stay here," says Iwaizumi, once they've changed their shoes.

Of course, Oikawa ignores him. He skips past Iwaizumi, greets Iwaizumi's mother loud enough for Iwaizumi to hear from the entryway, and Iwaizumi is left to follow him up the stairs.

There's an echoing _slam_ as Oikawa swings open the door to Iwaizumi's room.

" _Finally_ , Iwa-chan," Oikawa sing-songs. "Wow, I thought you'd never invite me over ever again, and then I'd be all alone by myself with nobody to talk to ..."

Oikawa trails off as he scans the interior, hands clutched on his bag strap as he makes to remove it, and --

The hands are shaking.

"H- hey, Iwa-- Iwa-chan," says Oikawa, slowly. "You ... you ... she's ..."

"Shittykawa," Iwaizumi says, "I told you to stay --"

Iwaizumi has raised a hand to grab Oikawa's shoulder. Oikawa sees the movement, stiffens, and throws his bag into Iwaizumi's nose. Oikawa is all changed out of his sports clothes by now so the bag filled with fabric and shoes gathers enough momentum to smash into Iwaizumi's already flat face and makes it even flatter.

For a moment, Iwaizumi stumbles. Oikawa steals the moment and heads down the staircase again.

"Hey, Iwaizumi's mother, have you seen Iwaizumi's trashcan?"

Pause.

"He threw away something important of mine."

Then:

"Yeah, I know, he's such a punk, right?"

Iwaizumi twitches.

"Ha ha, you haven't seen him cosplay? It's that cardboard box with two horns --"

"Hey, Oikawa!" Iwaizumi shouts down the stairs. "Stop spreading weird stories!"

"Hey, Iwa-chan!" Oikawa shouts up the stairs. "Stop throwing away things I love!"

"I _didn't_ throw it away, Likes-Bad-Shows-kawa!"

"Well unicorns are _lame_ , Iwa-lame-cha ... aaaan ..."

There's a pause as Oikawa realises what, exactly, Iwaizumi has said. He leaves a very loud apology with Iwaizumi's mother, and then thunders up the stairs like he's never heard of thrust vector control.

Oikawa throws himself into the doorway and clutches the frame with wild, Newtype eyes.

"You didn't throw her away?" Oikawa demands.

" _No,_ " says Iwaizumi. "If you _waited_ , Shittykawa, I would have been able to go to the laundry, and --"

"The _laundry?_ What sinful things have you --"

"I cleaned it," Iwaizumi deadpans.

"You _cleaned --_ " Oikawa blinks. "... Eh?"

"I cleaned it," Iwaizumi repeats. "So I could give it to you."

A grin sneaks its way through Oikawa's lips. It grows, spreads until it fills the entirety of Oikawa's face, he draws himself taller so he's almost standing on his toes, and he starts quivering all over again.

"You're the _best_ ," says Oikawa, sparkles in his eyes and cowlick fluttering with gleeful anticipation. "Does this mean, if I date her, I get your blessing?"

"Sure," Iwaizumi says blandly.

Oikawa won't get a rise out of him. Any moment now, he's going to turn around and wink, like it's all an elaborate joke and --

The pile of shit called Oikawa Tōru turns around.

He gives Iwaizumi a genuine smile. "Thank you, Iwaizumi."

Iwaizumi stares in reply.

 

 

 

 

(Of course, Oikawa ruins the moment:

"Unicorn is still just a copycat show, though."

"... Do you want to fight?"

"I can't ~! I'm all about peace! Understanding! That is Celestial Being-- h- hey, _don't throw--_ ")

 

 

 

 

"So how did Oikawa's wedding go?" Are the first words out of Matsukawa's mouth when Iwaizumi turns up the next day.

"What," says Iwaizumi, flatly.

"What?" says Hanamaki, before that bright head of hair emerges around the side of his locker. "You didn't know? Shit, I thought you'd be best man."

"Iwa-chan was a no-show," Oikawa's voice wails from the doorway.

Iwaizumi turns around and stops.

There, Oikawa has a bandage on his head where Iwaizumi accidentally punched him for real while they were pretending to scuffle. He's also in a _very_ bespoke suit, waistcoat and pocket square and all. Iwaizumi never realised pocket styles like those _existed_.

A very, very familiar object sits beneath an arm.

"Yahoo, Iwa-chan!" Oikawa waves. "I hope none of you mind if my girlfriend - sorry, wife - comes to practice with me this afternoon."

"I thought -- you --" Iwaizumi rubs his eyes. "What about those girls? The chocolates?"

Oikawa shrugs. "Oh, them? They're just friends. Less chocolate I have to buy, you know?"

"I hate to interrupt," says Matsukawa, "but the first-years are changing."

"So they are!" exclaims Oikawa. He ducks back outside and winks. "Don't worry, trashcans never tell ~"

The door closes and the automatic lock _snicks_ and Iwaizumi half-expects the walls to contain bombs just so Oikawa can laugh at them after they explode and the roof comes collapsing down.

Iwaizumi looks back at his locker and the red scarf that he'd accidentally taken to school with him.

"He can't be serious," Iwaizumi says.

"So what?" Hanamaki's voice asks. "He's happy. Who cares?"

"But ..." _It's a trashcan._

The words don't want to leave his throat.

Hanamaki closes his locker so he can stare Iwaizumi down. "You don't have a problem with Kindaichi being gay, do you?"

There's a large choke from the huddle of first-years.

"I knew it," says Kunimi.

Another choke.

"Sorry," says Watari. "Everyone knows."

"Don't take it personally. We out everyone who goes within a thirty-foot radius," Hanamaki says, solemnly. "Oikawa's ass protectors are doing well."

"Ass police," hisses Matsukawa. "I thought we agreed it was ass police!"

"There's no difference, baby. Either way, guarding that pure booty from the sins of the seven seas."

"Fuck you."

Iwaizumi has no idea if the volleyball club is even interested in volleyball any more.

 

 

 

 

Iwaizumi finds flower petals on the floor of the gymnasium. They're white. Curious, he draws one to his nose, and sniffs.

It smells like Oikawa's cologne.

Okay. That answers the question of where Oikawa had gotten ... _married_ ...

With the _trashcan_ ...

Oikawa swings through the doorway, bespoke suit vanished and replaced with his usual captain's gear, and spends virtually the entire session with both hands raised in victory 'V's. There's a jump to his step, even more special attention to all the players he's setting for, and Iwaizumi's never felt such a high percentage of spikes send _warmth_ shooting through his palm.

Iwaizumi glances at the side of the room, where Oikawa's brought his belongings in, including the trashcan itself.

His gaze lingers.

Of course, Oikawa notices immediately.

"Iwa-chan?" he asks.

Iwaizumi looks at his best friend. Through the net, he sees Hanamaki and Matsukawa leering at Kindaichi, and Kindaichi doing his best not to look in Oikawa's direction.

Iwaizumi's eyes lock with Oikawa's, and Iwaizumi nods.

"Give me the next one."

**Author's Note:**

> Oikawa's favourite Gundam series is the (fandom controversial) one with aliens in it.  
> ([tumblr](http://milksalt.tumblr.com/))


End file.
